According to the PACT program (Parenting at a Challenging Time), “One of every four adults diagnosed with cancer in the United States is the parent of a child under 18”. Often these children will be the only child in their class who has a seriously ill parent at home making it seem as if they are alone in the world. I was one of those kids. With a mother diagnosed with cancer when I was 7 and a father diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 13 my school age years were filled with uncertainty as my parents health went up and down. My mother lost her battle just after I turned 19.
Support for children of those with terminal or disabling illnesses was, and still is, minimal. Adults and peers often treat such children with pity and a sort of fearful reverence that leaves children feeling isolated. As home life and emotions teeter so too will school work and friendships. With proper empathy and knowledge educators can help.
The PACT Toolkit offers specialized information for educators on aiding a child with an ill parent. Many families choose to not disclose much information about such illnesses, so discretion is necessary. The following highlights the best ways educators can create support at school:
- Convey confidence in the child’s resilience, and be mindful of your own emotional response.
- Develop a communication strategy with the child’s parents.
- Gather information about the illness in order to be effective in providing support.
- Find out the family’s wishes for support.
- Adjust academic expectations as necessary.
- Develop a support team for the child.
(PACT Program, 2014)
When considering opening up discussions with the child, family, friends and when appropriate, the whole class, childrens literature on dealing with parent/sibling illness offers a voice of understanding. The Yale Cancer Center has created a Booklist for Children and Families for coping with illness, death and grief.
On the list was Promises by Elizabeth Winthrop (2000). After her cancer diagnosis Sarah’s mother is different and so is the life Sarah recognized. “I remember when she didn’t have to go to the hospital and she wasn’t tired at all. I remember when she ran in a race in a park. I remember when I didn’t have to tiptoe around the house and I could make as much noise as I wanted.”
Promises is an incredibly insightful look at what a parent with cancer means to a young child. Sarah grapples with: a parent who no longer looks the same, never knowing when the next hospital stay will happen and deals with classmates who are fearful of the mother Sarah so wants to protect. This book is rich with feelings and situations the child of a cancer patient can identify with including recognizing that while a parent may get better they can’t promise it will be forever. For a classroom setting it offers simple and true answers about the parent of a classmate who may seem a little different.
Resources for Educators, including those mentioned above:
Parenting at a challenging Time (PACT), Toolkit for Educators to Support Children of Parents with Serious Illnesses
American Cancer Society, Helping When a Family Member has a Terminal Illness
- The information is broken up by age.
Yale Cancer Center, Booklist for Children and Families
https://medicine.yale.edu/cancer/patient/specialty/pact/booklist.aspx
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